Blackadder II

[Percy walks in]
Percy: Sorry I'm late.
Edmund: No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Queenie: Nice try Melchy, but it is no use. I'm still bored!
Melchett: I'm very sorry madam. Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus.
Queenie: You don't surprise me. He used to laugh at these people with the funny faces and the bells.
Melchett: Ah, jesters ma'am.
Queenie: No, lepers.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Edmund: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
Doctor Leech: They're marvellous, aren't they?
Edmund: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Edmund: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: That it be, that it be.
Edmund: "Yes it is". Not "that it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a Wisewoman.
Young Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
Edmund: Yes, the Wisewoman.
Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is ... a woman, and second, she is ...
Edmund: ... wise?
Young Crone: You do know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Melchett: It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
Queenie: It is a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth or Mary.
Nursie: And Donald...
Queenie: Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.
Nursie: Thing is true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil.
Queenie: Then why is your name Nursie?
Nursie: That ain't my real name.
Queenie: Isn't it?
Nursie: No.
Queenie: No, what is your real name then?
Nursie: Bernard.
Queenie: Suits you, actually.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Edmund: I seek your permission to wed.
Queenie: So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?
Melchett: Oh, but I must confess madam, that I'm astonished that Blackadder could possibly have eyes for any other woman than your self.
Queenie: Good point. Though slightly grovely.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Bob/Kate: You'll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn't afford friends.
Edmund: It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much my lord.
Edmund: Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out for Christians around the globe if God looked any like you, Baldrick.
Bob/Kate: Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look sweet as a little pie.
Edmund: Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Flasheart: Hey queeny. You look sexy. Listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it that way.
Queenie: [to the camera] I've got such a crush on him.
Flashheart: Hey Melchie! Still worshiping God? Last thing I heard He started worshiping ME... Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down. And now... where is this amazing bird? The one who stopped my old pall Eddie doing exactly whatever he wants, ten times a night...
Edmund: Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my ... my fiancée Kate.
Flashheart: Hi, baby! [Flash kisses the bride]
Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. You don't want to marry this jerk baby? Meet me on my horse in eight seconds.
Bob/Kate: But I can't run in this frock. You see, I found I actually preferred wearing boys' clothes.
Flashheart: Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it's as hot as my pants.
Episode 1, "Bells"

Edmund: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Edmund: Yes...and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Edmund: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Edmund: What?
Baldrick: And that one.
Edmund: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh! Some beans.
Edmund: Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened to other people wasn't it?
Episode 2, "Head"

[Enter Percy wearing an enormous ruff]
Percy: Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see you.
Edmund: What-
Percy: I said "Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see-"
Edmund: Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?
Percy: Ah! It's my new ruff!
Edmund: You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate!
Percy: It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy!
Edmund: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Percy: I think you may be wrong.
Episode 2, "Head"

Edmund: Oh yes Percy, and the new ruff?
Percy: Better?
Edmund: Worse.
Percy: Ah, the fashion today is towards the tiny.
Edmund: In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.
Episode 2, "Head"

Edmund: Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor?
Mr. Ploppy: Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor. My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper. It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
Edmund: Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend. We, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.
Mr. Ploppy: There's no many bosses would be that considerate sir.
Episode 2, "Head"

Edmund: Right Baldrick, is that all clear?
Baldrick: Yes, em, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.
Edmund: No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
Baldrick: Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?
Edmund: In order, ningcompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.
Baldrick: Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
Mr. Ploppy: Young, young Ploppy here has a point My Lord, Lord Farrow never wore a bag, he was an old fashioned sort of gent.
Edmund: Look-
Percy: Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!
Edmund: Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldricks own features, and many might think, incidently, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to be the man she married and the queen need never know of my little miscalculation.
Mr. Ploppy: Why, My Lord, that is a brilliant plan.
Percy: Foolproof.
Edmund: You're very kind.
Mr. Ploppy: Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers me.
Edmund: It's probably a flea.
Episode 2, "Head"

Edmund: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Percy: Yes, my lord.
Edmund: Someone's for the chop. You or me in fact.
Percy: Ah yes.
Edmund: Let's face facts Percy ... It's you!
Episode 2, "Head"

Queenie: Oh! Hello Edmund. Look I'm sorry I snapped at you just now. You know I'm really very keen on you indeed don't you?
Edmund: Oh yes mam, as you were keen on Essex.
Queenie: Exactly!
Edmund: Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off.
Queenie: (laughs) He didn't mind that, he knew it was only little me! And I must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike. Are there no heads on spikes today?
Edmund: Em, no. No, we're training up a new executioner and he's a little immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash. By the time he's finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack.
Episode 2, "Head"

Blackadder: Not joining us in the ha ha's, Percy?
Percy: [With visible disdain] No! [valiantly] I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.
Blackadder: [annoyed] Oh, God; I didn't know you had a girl.
Percy: [getting all dreamy] Oh, yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.
Blackadder: [surprised] Caroline! I didn't know you knew her.
Percy: Oh, yes! I even touched her once.
Blackadder: [puzzled] Touched her what?
Percy: Uh, once. In the corridor.
Blackadder: I've never heard it called that before.
Episode 3, "Potato"

Edmund: If I die, Baldrick, do you think people would remember me?
Baldrick: [stepping over Edmund as he continues packing] Yeah, of course they would.
Edmund: Yes, I suppose so.
Baldrick: Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Privy-breath?"
Edmund: Do people call me "Privy-breath"?
Baldrick: Yeah, the ones who like you.
Edmund: Am I then not popular?
Baldrick: Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in what dogs have left in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund."
Episode 4, "Money"

Percy: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigors of the day begin.
Edmund: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
Edmund: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
Episode 5, "Beer"

[Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling a piece of cheese from the end of his nose. Edmund begins to speak about something, then notices.]
Edmund: [calmly] Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
Baldrick: To catch mice, My Lord -- I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
Edmund: ...and do they?
Baldrick: Not yet, My Lord.
Edmund: Well, I'm not surprised -- your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick. The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is one without a nose.
Baldrick: That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse...
Edmund: Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight. We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, Balders; and that means no meat.
Baldrick: In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.
Edmund: and the surprise is...?
Baldrick: There's nothing else in it except the turnip.
Edmund: So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a turnip.
Baldrick: [realization] Oh yeah...
Episode 5, "Beer"

[A tremendous noise of wood being bent and broken fills the room. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Edmund: [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly] Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said, "Get the door."
Edmund: Not good enough -- you're fired.
Baldrick: But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Edmund: So has syphilis; now get out.
Episode 5, "Beer"

Edmund: The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.
Melchett: [sitting up] Madam, I protest! I may be a little delicate this morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros!
Edmund: ...if it was allergic to lemonade...
Episode 5, "Beer"

Queen: [whispering] Do you know what I'm going to do?
Nursie: What?
Queen: I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these boys' nights.
Nursie: Good idea, poppet.
Queen: ...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognize me.
Nursie: Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Queen: Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?
Nursie: It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off...
Episode 5, "Beer"

Melchett: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
Edmund: That depends if you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.
Melchett: Well, perhaps a pleasant word-game.
Edmund: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sobbing, your, shut.
Episode 6, "Chains"

Percy: Welcome Edmund. Did you..miss me?
Edmund: I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, "I wish Percy was here ..."
[Percy gets sentimental]
Edmund: ... being tortured instead of me.
Episode 6, "Chains"

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